Today is President’s Day. You know, the one where we celebrate our Presidents by buying somewhat cheaper mattresses (not to be confused with Precedent’s Day when we celebrate critical Supreme Court cases such as Marbury v. Madison which established judicial review by buying our children another Supreme Court Justice: SUPREME ACTION doll to add to their already large collection).
Now you may be thinking to yourself right about now, “I have so much stored up fervor of wanting to celebrate this patriotic holiday, but I just do not know how to go about releasing. Well let me tell you, I am the master of releasing fervor in climactic ways, so you have come to the right place.
Here are some fun-filled, action-packed, full-throttle, high-adrenaline suggestions:
1. Dress as your favorite president. There are few things that I can think of (this is not because I do not have a strong thinking power) that are more fun than dressing up as Abraham Lincoln (the Illinois Senator who occasionally writes for this site) on a cool February day. Friends and strangers alike will applaud you for your dedication and “take-on-the-world” attitude in celebrating President’s Day and you might even get a girlfriend/boyfriend out of it. Try to not get with anyone dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln though, because she was CRAZY.
2. Watch a PBS/History Channel special on a President or Presidents. (Note: Only watch for as long as needed, meaning: watch until you have picked up enough information to use at a President’s Day themed party you MUST go to later on if you are spending part of your day watching PBS.) Which brings me to my next suggestion…
3. Have a President’s Day themed party. You could do suggestion 1 while possibly even doing suggestion 2 in the background. Also, parties are a good way to meet people.
4. Act as if you are campaigning for your favorite President. Make buttons, t-shirts, posters, WHATEVER. Then go door to door asking if you can leave some literature about your favorite president with them. I hear Teddy Roosevelt has a zero percent in current polls for presidential hopefuls. It is your duty to change this.
5. Chop down a tree in your favorite President’s honor. The old-timey Presidents loved chopping down trees. It’s in all the books. There is nothing more sacred and special than giving Mother Nature a little slap in the face in the name of the human race. This is why I believe automobiles are such an essential part of our humanity. Are we really human if we’re not constantly dominating our surroundings and showing them who in fact is boss? And this suggestion does not have to be set in stone. For example, instead of just chopping down one tree, I’m sure chopping down two trees would get your point across even better. Hey, why not just burn down a whole forest? Doesn’t your favorite President deserve to be honored TO THE MAX!?