Category Archives: History Exploratory

DIRTY! SEXY! MURDER! The Story of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr’s Duel of Honor

The spring season of 1804 was a high time for fashion in the town of Weehawken, New Jersey. That is, the fashion of murder.

United States Vice President Aaron Burr, or Lightning Fire as he was referred to by his hookers, had just lost the New York State gubernatorial race to candidate Morgan Lewis, mostly due to the fact that the notorious Alexander Hamilton assisted Lewis in his efforts. Burr, who going into the election was predicted to win, was quite angry.

After the election, Hamilton decided he was not through with Burr and made it be known across the land that Burr was a scoundrel and a fiend. Burr, in response, demanded an apology from Hamilton that was not received, therefore inducing a nasty war of angry letters of correspondence between the two gentlemen. This went on for quite some time with no real winner emerging from the ink and parchment.

Therefore, as Burr realized his honor would not be restored by mere crafty quill pen written insults, he challenged Alexander Hamilton to a duel.

Sometime in early July, the two parties met at a lovely WiFi enabled café in upper Manhattan to discuss the rules of the duel they would be having on the eleventh of the current month. After splitting a carrot and walnut muffin that they both agreed was delicious, they got to work, drafting a list of weapons that would be in play and what would be the rules of engagement for the duel, all within a Word Document on Alexander Hamilton’s MacBook.

After much deliberation, they decided they would duel to the death as only with the other dead could either of them be truly happy. Before leaving, they split another carrot and walnut muffin and agreed that if one of them was not going to die later this week, it would have been fun to do this again sometime. After multiple awkward goodbyes where neither party wanted to be the first to leave, as that may appear rude, they finally parted ways.

The morning of July eleventh was a bit breezy, as New Jersey mornings tend to be at this time of year. Legend has it that the tension felt on the bank of the Hudson River where the two men would be dueling could be felt all the way in the town of Andover which needless to say is not that close at all. Both men showed promptly on time as in those days a punctual spirit was considered in a regard that was of quite high esteem.

Formalities were made between the two men, and weapons were chosen. Somewhere nearby a woman fainted, not, as one may expect, because she was upset someone was about to meet their final end, but because she just got a text message from her husband saying they had just won the lottery. This unexpected acquiring of great fortune made the woman quite happy, understandably.

Alexander Hamilton and Lightning Fire, or Aaron Burr as he is called by people who are not his hookers, marched on to the dueling area. With their backs lined against each other, Alexander Hamilton called out, “I have resolved, if our duel is conducted in the usual manner, and it pleases God to give me the opportunity, to reserve and throw away my first fire, and I have thoughts even of reserving my second fire. My third fire, I think not of now, but if it comes to that, I probably will not hit him then either. If it comes to four fires and the duel has not been called by this time, then I must say this man who stands behind me has no idea how to shoot a gun with any sort of aim and I will have a strong conviction to end his life as he does not deserve it. But only if it comes to that. First three fires will totally be straight into the air.”

Aaron Burr looked at the bystanders with confusion. Not fire his gun? He thought. That surely is a strange strategy; I do not suppose he expects to kill me without a bullet. That is not unless he poisoned my travel hookers before what happened last night. No, surely I would have noticed.

unicycleAfter much mental deliberation, Burr finally yelled a response to Hamilton, “Then I shall have to hit you before you fire that fourth bullet!” The crowd laughed, not at Burr’s comment which was quite dramatic, but at a unicycle riding clown that was juggling bowling pins on the path a hundred meters in the distance. That clown, as all the spectators agreed later, was crazy funny.

The two men began their steps, each stride taking them further from their opponent and possibly closer to their death. At last, Hamilton and Burr reached their firing spots. Hamilton quickly fired his shot into a nearby tree, and started dancing in a manner that somehow swiveled his hip in a circular motion opposite from the direction his knees were circling. Burr would later write in his journal that the dance move could only be described by the word “ridiculous.”

Although momentarily caught off guard, Burr came to his senses after a second’s pause and fired his gun in the direction of Hamilton. In response to the shot, Hamilton raised his arms in the air while also opening his mouth which presumably was for the reason of significantly slowing down time, as that is what happened.

As the bullet approached Hamilton, at a speed greatly reduced from what is normal, Hamilton through down his arms in an arching manner, made a face worthy of a fashion runway, and allowed a vapor like emission that appeared to be in the shape of Clifford the Big Red Dog flow out of his fingers and head towards the direction of the bullet. When the emission had escaped his fingers and had fully materialized to a point where it was unmistakingly in the shape of Clifford the Big Red Dog, time sped back to normal and the bullet vanished into what appeared to be Clifford’s right ear.

Aaron Burr was speechless and hardly even noticed when Hamilton fired another shot into a nearby tree. When he finally recuperated and realized it was once again his turn, Burr fired at Hamilton and watched as time slowed down once more and a vapor-like Batman symbol impeded the trajectory of his bullet this time before reaching his target.

Hamilton fired another shot into a tree and continued with his ridiculous dance, all the while smiling a silly grin that angered Burr to his core. Not wishing to be made a fool any longer, Burr fired four shots in rapid succession at Hamilton’s abdomen, this time before Alexander had a chance to repeat his mind-bending ritual. The four shots all struck their target and Hamilton went white in the face as he clutched his stomach region. He did not die on the spot, as Hamilton was a strong man, but did die the following afternoon amongst his family and friends.

Although he was killed by Burr, Alexander Hamilton is considered to have gotten the last laugh, not because of his placement on the United States ten dollar bill nor his favorable position in American history, but because Hamilton did, in fact, poison Burr’s travel hookers.

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John & Kate Kill Lochness Monster

John Adams
John Adams
Kate Chopin
Kate Chopin

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In a heroic piece of history that shall not soon be forgotten, the former President of the United States, John Adams, and his wife, Kate Chopin (author of The Awakening) killed the legendary Lochness Monster of Scotland around 11 o’clock last night.

The Lochness Monster Before Death.
The Lochness Monster Before Death.

John and Kate, who were visiting via timewarp on their honeymoon (which originated in the year 1812) were boating upon the Loch Ness Lake when all of a sudden the monster of many a tale came crashing out of the waters and began to fly around them in the manner a dragon would presumably fly.

NOT LIKE THIS!
NOT LIKE THIS!

Luckily, Kate had her lucky harpoon gun with her, a memento from the Second World War and an object she never leaves home without.

Kate Chopin's Lucky Harpoon Gun

Kate Chopin's Lucky Harpoon Gun

With only three shots, The Lochness Monster was dead and John Adams and Kate Chopin were able to return to their romantic boating outting. And then they did it. Of course.

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Tradition Watch: President’s Day

Today is President’s Day. You know, the one where we celebrate our Presidents by buying somewhat cheaper mattresses (not to be confused with Precedent’s Day when we celebrate critical Supreme Court cases such as Marbury v. Madison which established judicial review by buying our children another Supreme Court Justice: SUPREME ACTION doll to add to their already large collection).

Now you may be thinking to yourself right about now, “I have so much stored up fervor of wanting to celebrate this patriotic holiday, but I just do not know how to go about releasing. Well let me tell you, I am the master of releasing fervor in climactic ways, so you have come to the right place.

When Bodies Are Dead for Long Periods of Time, The Head Tends To Swell

When Bodies Are Dead for Long Periods of Time, The Heads Tend To Swell

Here are some fun-filled, action-packed, full-throttle, high-adrenaline suggestions:

1. Dress as your favorite president. There are few things that I can think of (this is not because I do not have a strong thinking power) that are more fun than dressing up as Abraham Lincoln (the Illinois Senator who occasionally writes for this site) on a cool February day. Friends and strangers alike will applaud you for your dedication and “take-on-the-world” attitude in celebrating President’s Day and you might even get a girlfriend/boyfriend out of it. Try to not get with anyone dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln though, because she was CRAZY.

2. Watch a PBS/History Channel special on a President or Presidents. (Note: Only watch for as long as needed, meaning: watch until you have picked up enough information to use at a President’s Day themed party you MUST go to later on if you are spending part of your day watching PBS.) Which brings me to my next suggestion…

3. Have a President’s Day themed party. You could do suggestion 1 while possibly even doing suggestion 2 in the background. Also, parties are a good way to meet people.

4. Act as if you are campaigning for your favorite President. Make buttons, t-shirts, posters, WHATEVER. Then go door to door asking if you can leave some literature about your favorite president with them. I hear Teddy Roosevelt has a zero percent in current polls for presidential hopefuls. It is your duty to change this.

5. Chop down a tree in your favorite President’s honor. The old-timey Presidents loved chopping down trees. It’s in all the books. There is nothing more sacred and special than giving Mother Nature a little slap in the face in the name of the human race. This is why I believe automobiles are such an essential part of our humanity. Are we really human if we’re not constantly dominating our surroundings and showing them who in fact is boss? And this suggestion does not have to be set in stone. For example, instead of just chopping down one tree, I’m sure chopping down two trees would get your point across even better. Hey, why not just burn down a whole forest? Doesn’t your favorite President deserve to be honored TO THE MAX!?

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Terms of the Roaring 20s

A short list.

Muckrakers– named by Theodore Roosevelt while in the midst of an elephant hunt, these investigative journalists dug up dirt on corruption and other ills of society. A famous muckraker was Upton Sinclair. He caused a whole generation to go vegetarian.

Ida Tarbell– Known to have raked the most muck in her day. Mainly became famous from her writings about the corruption within Standard Oil. She said something like, “Hey, Standard Oil. You know how your name is Standard Oil. Well you are in fact operating under a SUB-standard format. So stop, please.” She was quite the orator.

Salvation Army– A large army that was deployed into the United States to fight the war on poverty, the longest lasting American war to date.

Robert La Follette– Popular governor of Wisconsin. Could have possibly won the Republican nomination for president once, but he blew it by crying in front of a crowd. He never lived it down.

Jane Addams– Born into the Addams family. Was the founder of Hull House. She helped many immigrants, but her efforts could never reach everyone, as they just wouldn’t stop coming. Hull House provided a PLETHORA of services if you know what I mean.

suffrageWomen and blacks were all like, “we want the right to vote”, so they fought for it, and with enough persistence (women can be very persuasive), they got it. Hats off to them.

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