DIRTY! SEXY! MURDER! The Story of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr’s Duel of Honor

The spring season of 1804 was a high time for fashion in the town of Weehawken, New Jersey. That is, the fashion of murder.

United States Vice President Aaron Burr, or Lightning Fire as he was referred to by his hookers, had just lost the New York State gubernatorial race to candidate Morgan Lewis, mostly due to the fact that the notorious Alexander Hamilton assisted Lewis in his efforts. Burr, who going into the election was predicted to win, was quite angry.

After the election, Hamilton decided he was not through with Burr and made it be known across the land that Burr was a scoundrel and a fiend. Burr, in response, demanded an apology from Hamilton that was not received, therefore inducing a nasty war of angry letters of correspondence between the two gentlemen. This went on for quite some time with no real winner emerging from the ink and parchment.

Therefore, as Burr realized his honor would not be restored by mere crafty quill pen written insults, he challenged Alexander Hamilton to a duel.

Sometime in early July, the two parties met at a lovely WiFi enabled café in upper Manhattan to discuss the rules of the duel they would be having on the eleventh of the current month. After splitting a carrot and walnut muffin that they both agreed was delicious, they got to work, drafting a list of weapons that would be in play and what would be the rules of engagement for the duel, all within a Word Document on Alexander Hamilton’s MacBook.

After much deliberation, they decided they would duel to the death as only with the other dead could either of them be truly happy. Before leaving, they split another carrot and walnut muffin and agreed that if one of them was not going to die later this week, it would have been fun to do this again sometime. After multiple awkward goodbyes where neither party wanted to be the first to leave, as that may appear rude, they finally parted ways.

The morning of July eleventh was a bit breezy, as New Jersey mornings tend to be at this time of year. Legend has it that the tension felt on the bank of the Hudson River where the two men would be dueling could be felt all the way in the town of Andover which needless to say is not that close at all. Both men showed promptly on time as in those days a punctual spirit was considered in a regard that was of quite high esteem.

Formalities were made between the two men, and weapons were chosen. Somewhere nearby a woman fainted, not, as one may expect, because she was upset someone was about to meet their final end, but because she just got a text message from her husband saying they had just won the lottery. This unexpected acquiring of great fortune made the woman quite happy, understandably.

Alexander Hamilton and Lightning Fire, or Aaron Burr as he is called by people who are not his hookers, marched on to the dueling area. With their backs lined against each other, Alexander Hamilton called out, “I have resolved, if our duel is conducted in the usual manner, and it pleases God to give me the opportunity, to reserve and throw away my first fire, and I have thoughts even of reserving my second fire. My third fire, I think not of now, but if it comes to that, I probably will not hit him then either. If it comes to four fires and the duel has not been called by this time, then I must say this man who stands behind me has no idea how to shoot a gun with any sort of aim and I will have a strong conviction to end his life as he does not deserve it. But only if it comes to that. First three fires will totally be straight into the air.”

Aaron Burr looked at the bystanders with confusion. Not fire his gun? He thought. That surely is a strange strategy; I do not suppose he expects to kill me without a bullet. That is not unless he poisoned my travel hookers before what happened last night. No, surely I would have noticed.

unicycleAfter much mental deliberation, Burr finally yelled a response to Hamilton, “Then I shall have to hit you before you fire that fourth bullet!” The crowd laughed, not at Burr’s comment which was quite dramatic, but at a unicycle riding clown that was juggling bowling pins on the path a hundred meters in the distance. That clown, as all the spectators agreed later, was crazy funny.

The two men began their steps, each stride taking them further from their opponent and possibly closer to their death. At last, Hamilton and Burr reached their firing spots. Hamilton quickly fired his shot into a nearby tree, and started dancing in a manner that somehow swiveled his hip in a circular motion opposite from the direction his knees were circling. Burr would later write in his journal that the dance move could only be described by the word “ridiculous.”

Although momentarily caught off guard, Burr came to his senses after a second’s pause and fired his gun in the direction of Hamilton. In response to the shot, Hamilton raised his arms in the air while also opening his mouth which presumably was for the reason of significantly slowing down time, as that is what happened.

As the bullet approached Hamilton, at a speed greatly reduced from what is normal, Hamilton through down his arms in an arching manner, made a face worthy of a fashion runway, and allowed a vapor like emission that appeared to be in the shape of Clifford the Big Red Dog flow out of his fingers and head towards the direction of the bullet. When the emission had escaped his fingers and had fully materialized to a point where it was unmistakingly in the shape of Clifford the Big Red Dog, time sped back to normal and the bullet vanished into what appeared to be Clifford’s right ear.

Aaron Burr was speechless and hardly even noticed when Hamilton fired another shot into a nearby tree. When he finally recuperated and realized it was once again his turn, Burr fired at Hamilton and watched as time slowed down once more and a vapor-like Batman symbol impeded the trajectory of his bullet this time before reaching his target.

Hamilton fired another shot into a tree and continued with his ridiculous dance, all the while smiling a silly grin that angered Burr to his core. Not wishing to be made a fool any longer, Burr fired four shots in rapid succession at Hamilton’s abdomen, this time before Alexander had a chance to repeat his mind-bending ritual. The four shots all struck their target and Hamilton went white in the face as he clutched his stomach region. He did not die on the spot, as Hamilton was a strong man, but did die the following afternoon amongst his family and friends.

Although he was killed by Burr, Alexander Hamilton is considered to have gotten the last laugh, not because of his placement on the United States ten dollar bill nor his favorable position in American history, but because Hamilton did, in fact, poison Burr’s travel hookers.

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3 Comments

Filed under History Exploratory

3 responses to “DIRTY! SEXY! MURDER! The Story of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr’s Duel of Honor

  1. Thank you for finally setting the historical record on this event straight. I have tried, but when I get to the part of Hamilton’s time slowing dance my metabolism becomes dangerously slow. I hope you wrote this with medical supervision.

  2. The Lady Fox

    BRILLIANT!!!!!

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