Monthly Archives: June 2009

A Dissertation on Winning Social Intercourse Via Other People’s Words

There is an agreement among intellectuals that social intercourse amongst people is merely a contest to say the best thing.  Don’t ask them about it though, because they’ll probably just deny it.  These contests are frustratingly difficult, especially since the assassination of IntellectualsOriginal Thought on Sunday, January 28, 1996, which no one noticed because of the Super Bowl (the death of original thought was quite evident at the next Super Bowl in which millions tried to be creative by watching “just for the commercials”).

That digression aside, let me tell you that there is now an easy way to win conversations, whether they be vocal, textual, across-the-internetual, or telepathic – simply use someone else’s words!  “How?” you may ask, “I’ve never used someone else’s words before.”  Yes you have.  Stop lying; you’ve been doing it since 1996.    Fortunately, I am here to help you recognize your shameless plagiarism and show you how to do it correctly.

There are three primary means of expressing yourself with other people’s words: Hallmark cards, t-shirts, and in conversation.

The most abundantly used means of spitting on Original Thought’s grave is the selection and giving of They look kinda like thispre-written Hallmark cards for every –every- occasion imaginable.  Seriously, name an occasion; Hallmark’s got a card for it.  In order to correctly select a card to give someone, you have to browse every single card available for purchase.  This is crucial; you must weigh every possibility against all others to pick the card that says the best thing.  This takes at least ten minutes.  The most reliable path, usually, is to pick the funniest card you can find.  If, at the occasion in which people are giving someone these pre-packaged misuses of intellectual property, you present the card that says the best thing, you win.

Another means of disgracing Original Thought and everything that he stood for – a less abundantly practiced means – is to wear t-shirts with rude, cynical, or comical comments printed on them.  I know it sounds difficult, but bear with me: you first purchase such a t-shirt, and then you wear it.  Be wary, though!  There is a correct and incorrect way to do this.  You must not, under any circumstance, wear a shirt that says the same thing as someone else’s.  A good, reliable way of wearing a unique t-shirt is avoiding major retailers – stick to the smaller ones.  Good luck on that, by the way, because I’m not about to tell you where I get my t-shirts and risk having someone else own the same shirt as me, you conniving copycat.  Additionally, the t-shirt can’t just say anything; it has to adequately express you.  Therefore, like the Hallmark cards, you must browse the entire catalogue of clothes to find the t-shirt that says the absolute best thing.  Usually, if you rely on t-shirts to express yourself, a caption along the lines of “I supplement my personality with witty shirts” would be appropriate.

A fine example

On that visual, we are left with the last primary means of expressing yourself with other people’s words: through conversation – if you can even call it that anymore.  I’ve got five words for you: “cultural references, cultural references, cultural”.  Whenever you want to interact with another humanlike being that speaks the same language as you, simply rally off quotes from a movie or television show that the two of you share interest in (don’t try quotes from books; it’s too risky, unless the book has been made into a movie, in which case tread carefully).  It’s quite that simple.  You don’t have to waste time with “hey, did you ever see-“ or “my favorite part was-“ or “I laughed when he said-“.  The phrases waste the time that you could otherwise spend vociferating out-of-context quotes that demonstrate your social prowess.  This rally of back-and-forth excerpt spitting is to continue until the other person can no longer recall a quote from the chosen cultural focal point; that’s when you win.  Because let’s not forget: social intercourse is only a contest.

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Lightning disses Megan Fox?

lightning crush

Wow. As if.

Although we have reported otherwise, as we are the best and know everything, the U.S. press is milking this incident for ALL IT IS WORTH. And then some. The cow is runnething dry people!

In the fresh July 34th issue, the United States of America supermarket tabloid, The National Inquirer, wrote that the “Transformers beauty was shot down by lightning after making many advances on it throughout a recent Michael Bay party.”  Hmm. Once again, AS IF!!!

If anything, lightning has “made it” to the big league by being featured in a tabloid newspaper. And this time it wasn’t Popular Science! Just kidding! (But in all seriousness that is very unrespectable syndication).

Via PopSeoul

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DIRTY! SEXY! MURDER! The Story of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr’s Duel of Honor

The spring season of 1804 was a high time for fashion in the town of Weehawken, New Jersey. That is, the fashion of murder.

United States Vice President Aaron Burr, or Lightning Fire as he was referred to by his hookers, had just lost the New York State gubernatorial race to candidate Morgan Lewis, mostly due to the fact that the notorious Alexander Hamilton assisted Lewis in his efforts. Burr, who going into the election was predicted to win, was quite angry.

After the election, Hamilton decided he was not through with Burr and made it be known across the land that Burr was a scoundrel and a fiend. Burr, in response, demanded an apology from Hamilton that was not received, therefore inducing a nasty war of angry letters of correspondence between the two gentlemen. This went on for quite some time with no real winner emerging from the ink and parchment.

Therefore, as Burr realized his honor would not be restored by mere crafty quill pen written insults, he challenged Alexander Hamilton to a duel.

Sometime in early July, the two parties met at a lovely WiFi enabled café in upper Manhattan to discuss the rules of the duel they would be having on the eleventh of the current month. After splitting a carrot and walnut muffin that they both agreed was delicious, they got to work, drafting a list of weapons that would be in play and what would be the rules of engagement for the duel, all within a Word Document on Alexander Hamilton’s MacBook.

After much deliberation, they decided they would duel to the death as only with the other dead could either of them be truly happy. Before leaving, they split another carrot and walnut muffin and agreed that if one of them was not going to die later this week, it would have been fun to do this again sometime. After multiple awkward goodbyes where neither party wanted to be the first to leave, as that may appear rude, they finally parted ways.

The morning of July eleventh was a bit breezy, as New Jersey mornings tend to be at this time of year. Legend has it that the tension felt on the bank of the Hudson River where the two men would be dueling could be felt all the way in the town of Andover which needless to say is not that close at all. Both men showed promptly on time as in those days a punctual spirit was considered in a regard that was of quite high esteem.

Formalities were made between the two men, and weapons were chosen. Somewhere nearby a woman fainted, not, as one may expect, because she was upset someone was about to meet their final end, but because she just got a text message from her husband saying they had just won the lottery. This unexpected acquiring of great fortune made the woman quite happy, understandably.

Alexander Hamilton and Lightning Fire, or Aaron Burr as he is called by people who are not his hookers, marched on to the dueling area. With their backs lined against each other, Alexander Hamilton called out, “I have resolved, if our duel is conducted in the usual manner, and it pleases God to give me the opportunity, to reserve and throw away my first fire, and I have thoughts even of reserving my second fire. My third fire, I think not of now, but if it comes to that, I probably will not hit him then either. If it comes to four fires and the duel has not been called by this time, then I must say this man who stands behind me has no idea how to shoot a gun with any sort of aim and I will have a strong conviction to end his life as he does not deserve it. But only if it comes to that. First three fires will totally be straight into the air.”

Aaron Burr looked at the bystanders with confusion. Not fire his gun? He thought. That surely is a strange strategy; I do not suppose he expects to kill me without a bullet. That is not unless he poisoned my travel hookers before what happened last night. No, surely I would have noticed.

unicycleAfter much mental deliberation, Burr finally yelled a response to Hamilton, “Then I shall have to hit you before you fire that fourth bullet!” The crowd laughed, not at Burr’s comment which was quite dramatic, but at a unicycle riding clown that was juggling bowling pins on the path a hundred meters in the distance. That clown, as all the spectators agreed later, was crazy funny.

The two men began their steps, each stride taking them further from their opponent and possibly closer to their death. At last, Hamilton and Burr reached their firing spots. Hamilton quickly fired his shot into a nearby tree, and started dancing in a manner that somehow swiveled his hip in a circular motion opposite from the direction his knees were circling. Burr would later write in his journal that the dance move could only be described by the word “ridiculous.”

Although momentarily caught off guard, Burr came to his senses after a second’s pause and fired his gun in the direction of Hamilton. In response to the shot, Hamilton raised his arms in the air while also opening his mouth which presumably was for the reason of significantly slowing down time, as that is what happened.

As the bullet approached Hamilton, at a speed greatly reduced from what is normal, Hamilton through down his arms in an arching manner, made a face worthy of a fashion runway, and allowed a vapor like emission that appeared to be in the shape of Clifford the Big Red Dog flow out of his fingers and head towards the direction of the bullet. When the emission had escaped his fingers and had fully materialized to a point where it was unmistakingly in the shape of Clifford the Big Red Dog, time sped back to normal and the bullet vanished into what appeared to be Clifford’s right ear.

Aaron Burr was speechless and hardly even noticed when Hamilton fired another shot into a nearby tree. When he finally recuperated and realized it was once again his turn, Burr fired at Hamilton and watched as time slowed down once more and a vapor-like Batman symbol impeded the trajectory of his bullet this time before reaching his target.

Hamilton fired another shot into a tree and continued with his ridiculous dance, all the while smiling a silly grin that angered Burr to his core. Not wishing to be made a fool any longer, Burr fired four shots in rapid succession at Hamilton’s abdomen, this time before Alexander had a chance to repeat his mind-bending ritual. The four shots all struck their target and Hamilton went white in the face as he clutched his stomach region. He did not die on the spot, as Hamilton was a strong man, but did die the following afternoon amongst his family and friends.

Although he was killed by Burr, Alexander Hamilton is considered to have gotten the last laugh, not because of his placement on the United States ten dollar bill nor his favorable position in American history, but because Hamilton did, in fact, poison Burr’s travel hookers.

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Things to be Said at Parties: Hipsterisms

things said partiesThis may sound like a tactic to achieve confusion, but allow us to assure you, IT IS NOT! Just go with it and you shall sound knowledgement.

Scarves are exactly like the Jefferson Memorial in Washington D.C.

Oh you have never been to Williamsburg, New York? You must truly be a sea anemone.

Call me old, but Vampire Weekend just has this citrus taste that I do not understand.

The thing about documentaries is, they always end covered in ice cream.

If I had to choose one defining FedEx packing box of our generation, I would choose Wes Anderson.

Thick-rimmed glasses may be rabbits, but kefiyahs are certainly antelopes.

Michael Bay is the WORST BIC BALLPOINT PEN EVER!!!

Wilco used to be one of the most prevalent pieces of silverware in outer space, but sadly they are no longer at the front of the organic grocery line.

USE THESE!

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Hipster Abraham Lincoln Reviewments: “Blue Spotted Tail” New From Fleet Foxes

Hipster Lincoln inline skates to be ironic.

Hipster Lincoln inline skates to be ironic.

Former Illinois Senator, Abraham Lincoln, is a resident opinionator here at the Company. From time to time he opinionates movies, music, & sometimes even other things! As Abraham Lincoln eloquently puts it himself, “I do these whenever it is Mary Todd’s time of the month. That time which happens every month when she forces me to try and be more “hip” with the younger generations and such.”

Here is his take on “Blue Spotted Tail” a new song from the band Fleet Foxes. Get mp3 here.

Good kids, just like Tad and Robert

Good kids, just like Tad and Robert

Hello there. I shall keep my sentiments brief as I have an important date with Mary Todd in a few minutes, and she goes CRAZY if I show up late. However, she will go crazy even if I show up on time, but her insanity is besides the point.

I first heard this band on the jukebox (a music playing device from my time, children) about a month ago while taking a train ride to Philadelphia to give an important speech on the importance of a well-kept beard and was beyond impressed.

Since that time, Fleet Foxes has continued to impress me with outstanding live musical performances and a continued anti-slavery sentiment.

This new single, performed live on the BBC, is sensational and is a song the whole Lincoln family is sure to enjoy! Except Mary Todd. She does not seem to enjoy anything anymore. Besides the extensive role playing we do in the bedroom. But I digress!

Long proclamation short, download the song onto your portable cassette players (another device of my era) and look out for more music from Fleet Foxes in the future!

lincoln rating

Lincoln Rating: 4 well-brimmed top hats.

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Global Happenings: Videogum’s Lindsay Robertson Laid Off

This is beyond the worst.

videogum laid off

Article here.

For those of you not familiar with Videogum, it is by far the best website (blog format) on the internet for keeping up with internet trends and cultural happenings for a targeted audience of hipsters, comedy nerds, and humor seekers.

Since it’s creation, two authors have taken up all the work on posts, Gabe and Lindsay, and have provided their fairly large but niche audience with a website they could embrace and call their own.

Lindsay will be sorely missed.

Eagle Tears Are the Worst Kind of Tears

Eagle Tears Are the Worst Kind of Tears

So that was depressing.

UPDATE:

Lindsay will now be returning to her old blog http://lindsayism.com/. So, fortunately, she is not gone forever.

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Top 3 Favorite Sex Activities of Fruit

As we all know, fruit is by far the most promiscuous of all the World’s species. Scientists that are of the most prestigious say that a fruit’s brain is wired to think of mating constantly, and therefore partake it the act quite often.

Due to the repetitiveness of the action, the species of fruit has had to get more and more creative throughout the ages to keep things interesting within the bedroom. Through extensive research, we have discovered fruit’s top 3 sexual activities. Here they are.

3. The fruit orgy.

The fruit orgy allows fruit to mix and match, all during the same rising action, or in some cases multiple rising actions and therefore releases all in the same half hour time span!

2. Fruit Porn

Although in the human world, the use of pornography would be deemed less intense than a full blown orgy, in the fruit world things are a bit different. Fruit pornography is revered in a way that only the most sexually promiscuous of the fruit community partake in such acts. Some popular syndications include Exotic Fruit and Juicy Fruit Weekly.

1. Massive Public Fruit Orgies

Much like regular fruit orgies, massive public fruit orgies involve many many different fruits all engaging in the act of love making. This is just on a much larger scale. But what really makes these different from regular fruit orgies, is the fact that these are done in public and in front of multiple humans. Fruits are very turned on by having humans watch them while they engage in the act, and combining this with the already enticing participation in a fruit orgy makes this the number one favorite sexual activity of fruit.

Any thoughts?

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