Well it is Mary Todd’s time of the month again. That time which happens every month when she forces me to try and be more “hip” with the younger generations and such. This month I have decided to do a review of what the colder kids are calling a “see-Dee” which I assume is called such due to the fact that when the such invention is played about the dance clubs (I am aware to what those are due to my last month’s attempt at trendiness entitled “Raving With Authority: An Exploration of Dance”) some mighty fine young lady named Dee emerges onto the dance floor and captivates the surrounding audience in movement. As I said I may be incorrect, but that is my current understanding on the subject matter.
Anyways, the particular music I shall be covering is a piece by a musical accompaniment which calls themselves Animal Collective. The aforementioned accompaniment has recently released a record so-entitled Merriweather Post Pavilion, after a quite famous stage located near the great NORTHERN city of Baltimore (as an aside, if the city I have just so mentioned had been something such as Charleston, I shan’t not have deemed it to be great rather deeming it to be something un-great or negative great).
Let me just say, regarding the record, it literally BLEW MY MIND. I have proof. I shall show the hole in my head upon request. And I bet you are thinking you are really smart right now, thinking, “Hey! Abraham Lincoln! Didn’t John Wilkes Booth shoot you in the head!?” In response I would first say why all the yelling? I am currently located in a relatively small room right now and your voice is echoing like the Union cannons of victory on a Louisiana morning. Second I would say, all that John Wilkes Booth gibberish and down-right jabberish was a cover-up to the (as I have aforementioned) MIND-BLOWING qualities of Merriweather Post Pavilion. The see-Dee killed me. I shall be the first to admit it. But by God’s grace it was worth it.
Now you may be thinking, “If the John Wilkes Booth story was just a cover-up, what else has my government been lying to me about?” Well, I the humble Abraham Lincoln shall let you on a secret this very day. Remember JFK? (You know, the second most attractive president of all time). Remember the way he used to laugh, the way he used to make us all smile? Now remember that day when he was “shot.” I do not. I was dead. But you should, yes you should indeed remember. Well from my understanding which I have come to acquire from my time spent in the great cloudy kingdom in the sky (of course I am speaking of my personal Goodyear blimp from which I have been able to conduct extensive surveillance work) his beautiful head was not done in by a “bullet” but instead by a copy of the Beatles’ recently released album Please Please Me. Now I am quite certain you all remember the first time you heard the harmonious melodies of the “Fab 4.” It was pretty special, am I right? Well the overwhelming aesthetic beauty was just a bit too much for JFK to bear, so his head exploded, much like mine. Actually that is misleading, it was exactly like mine.
But I digress. Point is, at exactly 2:31 of the opening track “In the Flowers” I heard a curious noise that made my head explode. Out of fear of what would happen to other parts of my body if I continued to listen I had Mary Todd finish the see-Dee for me. Let’s just say ever since then she has been CRAZY. And I mean it too. Look it up in a book.
If you’re reading this I sure hope you have already perused that Mary Todd Lincoln biography you had lying around and have so forth realized I was correct in stating that that woman was, as you hipsters may put it, “Riggy-Riggy-Ridonculous.” If you have not perused the afore-suggested bio, I wish to allow you to know that I am greatly offended and feel downright betrayed. Even more betrayed than I felt when half of my country left me right after taking the sacred oath of presidential office. Yes, that’s right, even more betrayed than that. The least you could do is heed my advice and purchase this see-Dee as it truly is something quite exquisite. And hey, maybe you shall not have your cerebral lobe blown out as I did.
Lincoln Rating: 4 1/2 well-brimmed top hats.