Monthly Archives: February 2009

Tradition Watch: President’s Day

Today is President’s Day. You know, the one where we celebrate our Presidents by buying somewhat cheaper mattresses (not to be confused with Precedent’s Day when we celebrate critical Supreme Court cases such as Marbury v. Madison which established judicial review by buying our children another Supreme Court Justice: SUPREME ACTION doll to add to their already large collection).

Now you may be thinking to yourself right about now, “I have so much stored up fervor of wanting to celebrate this patriotic holiday, but I just do not know how to go about releasing. Well let me tell you, I am the master of releasing fervor in climactic ways, so you have come to the right place.

When Bodies Are Dead for Long Periods of Time, The Head Tends To Swell

When Bodies Are Dead for Long Periods of Time, The Heads Tend To Swell

Here are some fun-filled, action-packed, full-throttle, high-adrenaline suggestions:

1. Dress as your favorite president. There are few things that I can think of (this is not because I do not have a strong thinking power) that are more fun than dressing up as Abraham Lincoln (the Illinois Senator who occasionally writes for this site) on a cool February day. Friends and strangers alike will applaud you for your dedication and “take-on-the-world” attitude in celebrating President’s Day and you might even get a girlfriend/boyfriend out of it. Try to not get with anyone dressed as Mary Todd Lincoln though, because she was CRAZY.

2. Watch a PBS/History Channel special on a President or Presidents. (Note: Only watch for as long as needed, meaning: watch until you have picked up enough information to use at a President’s Day themed party you MUST go to later on if you are spending part of your day watching PBS.) Which brings me to my next suggestion…

3. Have a President’s Day themed party. You could do suggestion 1 while possibly even doing suggestion 2 in the background. Also, parties are a good way to meet people.

4. Act as if you are campaigning for your favorite President. Make buttons, t-shirts, posters, WHATEVER. Then go door to door asking if you can leave some literature about your favorite president with them. I hear Teddy Roosevelt has a zero percent in current polls for presidential hopefuls. It is your duty to change this.

5. Chop down a tree in your favorite President’s honor. The old-timey Presidents loved chopping down trees. It’s in all the books. There is nothing more sacred and special than giving Mother Nature a little slap in the face in the name of the human race. This is why I believe automobiles are such an essential part of our humanity. Are we really human if we’re not constantly dominating our surroundings and showing them who in fact is boss? And this suggestion does not have to be set in stone. For example, instead of just chopping down one tree, I’m sure chopping down two trees would get your point across even better. Hey, why not just burn down a whole forest? Doesn’t your favorite President deserve to be honored TO THE MAX!?



Filed under History Exploratory, Tradition Watch

How Things Work: Water Bottles

Today we delve into the scientific mastery and architectural genius of the water bottle.

Size does not matter. Unless you want your thirst adaquately quenched

Size does not matter. Unless you want your thirst adaquately quenched

A Little Bit of Background:

The water bottle (or drink dispenser as I like to call it) was invented in 1853, by a young man named Frank Lloyd Wright while trying to find the Northwest Passage. He was sent by the king of France to see if he could discover an underground passage in the recently discovered “New World” that would stretch from modern-day Maine to the East Indies. Like all challenges presented to him, Frank Lloyd could not turn this down, due to his ardent OCD problem. While searching for the underground cave, Mr. Lloyd stumbled upon a natural waterfall. As he would later write in his diary, “It was beautiful like a woman, but not as overbearing.” This waterfall spoke to Frank Lloyd Wright as nature tends to do to people who are all alone with no witnesses near by. This waterfall taught Mr. Frank how to harness its power in order for him to quench his thirst at a later time, such as after a hard workout at the gym or after accidentally kissing an ugly girl at a party while blind-folded with a laugh-track playing in the background of the scene. So I suppose technically the waterfall actually invented the first water bottle, but the Democrats would not have anything to gripe about anymore if it were learned that plastic was indeed a natural resource. Those Democrats and their conservationism.

How it works:

Manufacturer pours clean, crisp, non-carbonated water into the bottle. Newton’s third law of “Things that stick together, stick together” verifies that all the molecules of the bottle will hold the water up from falling due to Newton’s invention of gravity. A cap is placed on top to top things off. And then the bottle is christened and baptized by a resident priest to make it kosher (if the bottling company is atheist, the priest is replaced by a “un-priest.”

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Filed under Angry Science!, How Things Work

New Highbrow Ha-Ha.’s

If I were a banana. I would probably be yellow.


My friend told me he was buying a boat. So I responded, those are kind of like cars, but for water.


Q. What did the fingers say to the keyboard?

A. You’re just a middleman.


Q. What did the grass say to the leaves?

A. Thanks for being my blanket.


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Filed under Laughs.

Terms of the Roaring 20s

A short list.

Muckrakers– named by Theodore Roosevelt while in the midst of an elephant hunt, these investigative journalists dug up dirt on corruption and other ills of society. A famous muckraker was Upton Sinclair. He caused a whole generation to go vegetarian.

Ida Tarbell– Known to have raked the most muck in her day. Mainly became famous from her writings about the corruption within Standard Oil. She said something like, “Hey, Standard Oil. You know how your name is Standard Oil. Well you are in fact operating under a SUB-standard format. So stop, please.” She was quite the orator.

Salvation Army– A large army that was deployed into the United States to fight the war on poverty, the longest lasting American war to date.

Robert La Follette– Popular governor of Wisconsin. Could have possibly won the Republican nomination for president once, but he blew it by crying in front of a crowd. He never lived it down.

Jane Addams– Born into the Addams family. Was the founder of Hull House. She helped many immigrants, but her efforts could never reach everyone, as they just wouldn’t stop coming. Hull House provided a PLETHORA of services if you know what I mean.

suffrageWomen and blacks were all like, “we want the right to vote”, so they fought for it, and with enough persistence (women can be very persuasive), they got it. Hats off to them.

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Filed under History Exploratory

A Review of Animal Collective’s Merriweather Post Pavilion as done by Abraham Lincoln

Former Illinois Senator, Abraham Lincoln, is a resident opinionator here at the Company. Here is his take on Animal Collective’s new album

Well it is Mary Todd’s time of the month again. That time which happens every month when she forces me to try and be more “hip” with the younger generations and such. This month I have decided to do a review of what the colder kids are calling a “see-Dee” which I assume is called such due to the fact that when the such invention is played about the dance clubs (I am aware to what those are due to my last month’s attempt at trendiness entitled “Raving With Authority: An Exploration of Dance”) some mighty fine young lady named Dee emerges onto the dance floor and captivates the surrounding audience in movement. As I said I may be incorrect, but that is my current understanding on the subject matter.

Anyways, the particular music I shall be covering is a piece by a musical accompaniment which calls themselves Animal Collective. The aforementioned accompaniment has recently released a record so-entitled Merriweather Post Pavilion, after a quite famous stage located near the great NORTHERN city of Baltimore (as an aside, if the city I have just so mentioned had been something such as Charleston, I shan’t not have deemed it to be great rather deeming it to be something un-great or negative great).

Let me just say, regarding the record, it literally BLEW MY MIND. I have proof. I shall show the hole in my head upon request. And I bet you are thinking you are really smart right now, thinking, “Hey! Abraham Lincoln! Didn’t John Wilkes Booth shoot you in the head!?” In response I would first say why all the yelling? I am currently located in a relatively small room right now and your voice is echoing like the Union cannons of victory on a Louisiana morning. Second I would say, all that John Wilkes Booth gibberish and down-right jabberish was a cover-up to the (as I have aforementioned) MIND-BLOWING qualities of Merriweather Post Pavilion. The see-Dee killed me. I shall be the first to admit it. But by God’s grace it was worth it.

Now you may be thinking, “If the John Wilkes Booth story was just a cover-up, what else has my government been lying to me about?” Well, I the humble Abraham Lincoln shall let you on a secret this very day. Remember JFK? (You know, the second most attractive president of all time). Remember the way he used to laugh, the way he used to make us all smile? Now remember that day when he was “shot.” I do not. I was dead. But you should, yes you should indeed remember. Well from my understanding which I have come to acquire from my time spent in the great cloudy kingdom in the sky (of course I am speaking of my personal Goodyear blimp from which I have been able to conduct extensive surveillance work) his beautiful head was not done in by a “bullet” but instead by a copy of the Beatles’ recently released album Please Please Me. Now I am quite certain you all remember the first time you heard the harmonious melodies of the “Fab 4.” It was pretty special, am I right? Well the overwhelming aesthetic beauty was just a bit too much for JFK to bear, so his head exploded, much like mine. Actually that is misleading, it was exactly like mine.

But I digress. Point is, at exactly 2:31 of the opening track “In the Flowers” I heard a curious noise that made my head explode. Out of fear of what would happen to other parts of my body if I continued to listen I had Mary Todd finish the see-Dee for me. Let’s just say ever since then she has been CRAZY. And I mean it too. Look it up in a book.

If you’re reading this I sure hope you have already perused that Mary Todd Lincoln biography you had lying around and have so forth realized I was correct in stating that that woman was, as you hipsters may put it, “Riggy-Riggy-Ridonculous.” If you have not perused the afore-suggested bio, I wish to allow you to know that I am greatly offended and feel downright betrayed. Even more betrayed than I felt when half of my country left me right after taking the sacred oath of presidential office. Yes, that’s right, even more betrayed than that. The least you could do is heed my advice and purchase this see-Dee as it truly is something quite exquisite. And hey, maybe you shall not have your cerebral lobe blown out as I did.

If you stare really hard for five minutes you can see my top hat!

If you stare really hard for five minutes you can see my top hat!

Lincoln Rating: 4 1/2 well-brimmed top hats.


Filed under Hip Things & What Not, Hipster Abraham Lincoln Reviewments